Mental illness, Uncategorized Growth, you menace. March 22, 2018

Can I say I hate growth? No? I’m gonna say it anyway. I hate growth. Such a painful friend to have around, asking you to do more and be more than you ever intended. Telling you what you may have learned and have done all your life is wrong and can be no more. Ugh. Growth, it’s my fault I invited you and chose you to come alongside me this year and you’ve proven to be a troublemaker.

Growth, you’ve made me cry more than necessary, you’ve ripped my heart open and set my throat on fire, leaving a painful knot. Someone knocked you opened the door, without asking I might add and standing before you was pain and you couldn’t have been happier, you embraced him in your arms refusing to let go when he tried. You instead grabbed his hand and made him walk alongside you and even served him my tea so as to make him comfortable. You say your business is never finished and that is when I regret ever inviting you.

Growth you not only invited pain but also her, memories. Oh I hate you. You asked me to console her to let her cry in my arms. How could you betray me like this? You ask too much. It’s too much.

Growth the truth is you’re hard to love. You make it so hard. You don’t leave anything unturned. You see it all, you want it all otherwise it won’t be true. You wipe the tears from my eyes and beg to change places with me. But I can’t, I just can’t let this go, not this. It’s all I know. You give me your word that you’re better but I just don’t believe you. Or I just don’t think I can ever trust you. Trust no one, isn’t that what she said? You’ve completely undone me was this your plan all along? Why wouldn’t you warn me? Don’t you think this would have gone better if you had?

Memories, overwhelmed me with details and painful rememberings as though I was back there again. But I’m not there am I? No, not there at all. I’m actually so protected, was that you? Did you do that? I kind of doubt it. I told you I wanted to grow but instead you’ve only brought pain. You say pain is growth and growth is pain. Well I don’t like it. I’ll admit I’ve seen more beauty than I ever have since you came along. Beauty in the wrinkles on the edges of those eyes that are full of laughter and joy, beauty in the quiet moment right when the sun hits the horizon to bring light to darkness, beauty in the music the water presents as it rushes over the pebbles so fancifully. Beauty, this is hard but let me tell you, beauty in the tears that have been dried out on my face, beauty in the ripping open of my heart, beauty in the knot that’s in my throat reminding me I’m alive and…and I am healing. Beauty in the way you empower me to never repeat history and give me tools to be more, beauty in the quiet mornings before I see their sweet small faces, beauty so much beauty in all this pain.

Fine. Growth, you may stay don’t ask me why, I just know it’s better because I know you’re from Him. I know I need you and Growth I don’t hate you, I hate the pain and if it means I must have you both then please don’t leave.

“So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.”

-1 Peter 4:19

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.”

-Psalm 71:20

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1 Comment

  • Amy Lofgreen posted on March 28, 2018 at 12:33 am

    This is beautiful and true. I’m glad I found you.

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